So everything I think feels so permanent to me.
Phil seemed to be one of the most wonderful things I had.
Now he is talking about leaving and wanting to be on his own.
I can't help but feel so broken.
I felt that this might be different, he might be something.
Which is completely, totally is.
But. Him wanting to go away and leave only feels like it's ending before it really got going.
I know I can't hold him back.
I would never ask him to stay for me.
It's one of those things where I wish he would do it for me.
I just feel hopeless knowing the end.
Friday night he told me he loved me.
I told him I loved him, too.
- (no subject)
-
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
plastic_flower- February 18th, 2008
- (no subject)
-
- plastic_flower
- January 20th, 2008
I'm reading through old blogs and decided to bring some back.You know when you have that feeling that you cannot catch your breath, then you finally catch your breath and suddenly you want time to stop in that moment because everything is messed up. But then it's okay because you feel comfort in feeling something concrete, like sadness, but then gets better and there isn't much to do except feel okay...
-
Tonight I went to Olive Garden with Alexandra, Kelsey, Maria and Sara. It had been so long since we had just spent the night just us. I missed it. I needed it. I was there tonight and it made me want to scream. A good scream. A fun scream. A scream that you laugh at until you start crying and laugh some more because you're crying.
I don't want her to leave. Then again no one does. It is going to be so different and so hard. The fab will never ever be the same.
-
I'm desperate to feel comfortable about myself. Then maybe I wouldn't freak out if someone else showed interest in me. I convinced myself that you are the only person that would make me happy. I don't even know if I am happy and doubting happiness isn't happiness. I don't want you to be angry because you really are a wonderful person, just not for me.
-
I have been cheating with everything that I claim to be. I don't fucking understand anything anymore. Alexandra says it is because I am finding out who I am. This person I am dealing with in my head fucking sucks. I don't want to have to lie to people or say I'm something and completely disregard the characteristics to be these things. Yes, I understand I will make mistakes. I am not trying to be perfect, at all. There are limits.
I am probably not making any sense to anyone who doesn't know what I have been doing lately, but don't feel left out. I am going to change. I swear I will.
-
I was weird.
And getting weirder.
I just dont write down my thoughts as much.
Maybe I should.
Eh, idontknow.
- (no subject)
-
- plastic_flower
- September 20th, 2007
HIIIIIIIIIIII.
I am in college at Kent State University in Ohio.
I don't like it. I don't think it's for me.
Andy and I are falling apart pretty good.
I feel that I want something better.
I talk to missiontrip Matt a lot.
He makes me smile.
But there is something about christian boys.
I feel like I have made too many mistakes and that I don't deserve them.
Not that Matt is like that because I don't deserve him.
Poop.
I am going to try to transfer after this semester.
I've been praying about it.
I miss my mom.
And my family.
And my freaking friends.
I miss my bed.
Stupid Ohio.
- (no subject)
-
- plastic_flower
- March 8th, 2007
So, I think I may be bipolar.
I didn't get into University of West Georgia.
I told Matt and I was upset about it.
He didn't say anything to me.
After days of him not calling, I told him that I think it would be best for him to take someone else to prom.
We haven't talked since.
I am talking to Andy again.
I love him, I do.
But I don't know.
He is mostly where my bipolarism kicks in.
Sometimes I just hate him.
It's like I am more of a mother to him.
Bethany said it's because I make myself that way.
She said I put myself out for people and they are too selfish to see I need things too.
No one still gives a shit enough to listen.
I am scared for college.
I don't know where to go.
What to do.
I am scared to leave my house.
I am scared to have to meet new people and put myself out there all over again.
But I'm trying.
I don't have classes with anyone I really talk to, so I am learning.
I am constantly out of my comfort zone.
I am going to Georgia Wednesday the 21st. I am staying until that Sunday.
I am just going to relax.
Not work, take time and think.
Be with my Chera Jo and sort shit out.
The thing that scares me the most is losing touch with her.
Losing touch with everyone.
I'm sure everyone else would be fine without me, but that doesn't make it easy.
After I get back from Georgia I am going to visit colleges.
See what schools I like.
See where I feel strong enough to make it on my own.
It's funny how when you think no one cares, you care way too much about yourself.
- (no subject)
-
- plastic_flower
- February 20th, 2007
On Valentine's Day Andy sent me mean text messages saying what a horrible person I am, how trashy I am and how he has no respect for me.
I find out a day later that he is talking to another girl.
I don't know if he could be more hypocritical.
I said something to him Sunday and he won't talk to me anymore.
caleb221777: thats not what love is, love is something positive
rachie 627: love aint easyyyy
caleb221777: i agree, but that saying applies to 'love' which isnt what that is
caleb221777: if he loved you he wouldnt date other girls and make you feel shitty
rachie 627: well, i've been with other guys.
rachie 627: we're not exactly going with fair
caleb221777: youre allowed to date other people since you and andy arent together, what im saying is that if he really did love you he might a.) say it or b.) make the smallest effort to show it
caleb221777: hes shitty to you 99% of the time and nice 1% and thats the only part you see
caleb221777: hes just doing the bare minimum to keep you around
caleb221777: he doesnt appreciate you
Nick wants me since I don't want him.
He tells me he loves me. And he is a big baby.
I am just winning lately.
- (no subject)
-
- plastic_flower
- February 14th, 2007
“Love may have the longest arms, but it can still fall short of an embrace.”
I wish I didn't feel so fucking alone.
I wish someone could help me.
- (no subject)
-
- plastic_flower
- February 6th, 2007
I got into Jacksonville State in Alabama.
.....
Sweet home Alabama?
I don't know yet.
We'll see what happens.
Good day ya'll.
hahaha, practice, just-in-case.
- (no subject)
-
- plastic_flower
- February 1st, 2007
So, Bethany is planning on giving me money to buy an airplane ticket so I can go to prom.
I can pay her back, but not all at once.
And she is so wonderful.
She would do absolutely anything for me.
She even told me that if Matt came and she had her apartment, she would let us have her apartment for the night
so we could pretend it was our own.
She's just so thoughtful and wonderful.
I love her so much.
The prom is April 28th.
Their graduation is Saturday, May 26 at 10:00 AM.
Chera and Michael are giving speeches.
So I want to be there for that too.
And I just want to go down and surprise Matt.
But, I know that isn't very likely.
Regardless, Bethany and I are going to play the lottery tonight, tomorrow and Saturday.
Tonight, for mix and match the jackpot is $70,000 and for cash 5 the jackpot is $100,000.
Tomorrow, tomorrow match 6 is $4,450,000 AND. Saturday powerball is $20,000,000.
I know, I know.
Just let me dream.
- (no subject)
-
- plastic_flower
- January 30th, 2007
Things have been okay lately.
I am coping.
I am talking to Matt again.
We talked on the phone for over 3 hours yesterday.
I told him about Chelsey and everything else that's been going on in my life.
He cried.
He said he don't know what he would do if anything would happen to me.
He apologized for not talking to me.
He apologized for dating other girls.
I didn't tell him about Nick.
I don't think I will unless he tells me about a girl.
But he told me he loved me and missed me so much.
I care about him a lot.
He asked me to go to his prom with him!
I said I would try.
I would love to go, more than anything.
I just need the money.
Things are tough, but I am dealing with them.
I just don't know how to handle myself sometimes.
I know it doesn't matter to most.
But it's my life.
And once I am okay, I can go on to things that matter most.
And that wouldn't be selfish people.
BYAH.
p.s. please pray for my mom. she really needs it.
- (no subject)
-
- plastic_flower
- January 23rd, 2007
- (no subject)
-
- plastic_flower
- January 23rd, 2007
Bonjour.
Last night was a long, long, terrible night.
I am going to change.
This just isn't working anymore.
I am going to change my priorities.
Ans this isn't for anyone except me.
I think I need it.
I know I need it to be sane.
I am starting by going over Mary's house.
And going to bible study tonight.
hahaha, I slept in until 3:30 today.
Golly gee.
- (no subject)
-
- plastic_flower
- January 22nd, 2007
So yesterday Andy and I ended things.
Again.
It's just, I don't feel anything.
I am not willing to try with him anymore.
And I can't do anything with that.
I worked 10 hours yesterday.
Andy came in and ignored me.
Lauren was over Nick's.
Mikey got mad.
I fought with my friends.
I know that people won't understand if i don't tell them.
I wish someone would give me some goddamn slack.
I felt so fucking alone yesterday.
I am a mess.
I am a fucking mess and when I need to talk everyone is too busy to listen.
But, if you need to talk, i'm always here.
fuck.
I miss Dallie.
- (no subject)
-
- plastic_flower
- January 6th, 2007
I really dislike my life lately.
My pap is so sick.
My family is so upset about it and wrapped up in it.
They also like to place blame because he is sick.
I am falling for this wonderful, wonderful boy.
That actually cares about me.
But my friends can only see his age and won't give him a chance.
And that's not fair to me and is especially not fair to him.
Thursday I turned 18.
It was such a horrible day.
Then today, I went out with Nick.
I was so excited because I love spending time with him.
We went to see a movie then we went to Albert's.
I left my phone in the car when we were at Albert's.
We watched tv with his parents.
Then we watched the first season of SNL.
When I got to my phone, my parents had gone bizerk, called my friends ranting to find out where I was.
I called home and my mother started to cry.
Saying she was so scared and that I shouldn't of done that.
I can't explain how angry this made me.
My sister goes away every weekend and my parents have no idea where she is.
I have hung out with these people, I know who they are.
They aren't going to hurt me.
I don't want to tell them that I can't hang out with them because my parents judge them.
So I lie. Which, isn't the best choice, but it works, I guess.
I am so upset lately and the only thing that makes me calm is Nick.
He makes me smile and laugh.
But the thing is, he has a lot of shit going on in his life.
I know he doesn't need more people stressing him out more.
But with everything that is going on, no one giving him a chance, he is getting stressed.
And I think it is making me look more immature because of others and that isn't fair.
I just wish things could be okay.
I wish I could win the lottery and give away most of it and just keep money so I can take a break from everyone and stay away for months.
I want away from everything.
- psssssst!!!
-
- plastic_flower
- January 3rd, 2007
Tomorrow I will be an adult!
- Merry Christmas.
-
- plastic_flower
- December 24th, 2006
Friday night Kelsey and I went to Albert's fancy party.
It was wonderful.
I have this thing in my mind that when really good things happen, I think it's a movie.
I think of the camera angles and the cheesy lines and everything that could play out.
The fancy party was one of those.
Albert's house was perfect. Everyone there was perfect.
Everyone was dressed up and happy.
We laughed and ate. Kelsey ate atleast 47 creme puffs.
There was this cute boy there, Nick. Actually a man.
So, I flirted.
Albert and Nick made misletoe.
Nick was sitting next to me on the couch and I asked Lori where the misletoe was.
She said she didn't know and announced it to the room, asking where it was.
Nick pulled it out of his pocket, held it over my head and shrugged and smiled.
Then he kissed me. It was really cute.
I kept flirting.
I asked Kelsey if i should flirt more and she said yes.
So I flirted more and we made out.
It was fun.
He is cute.
A long time ago Kelsey told me I would like him.
And I did. And do.
I told Andy that I kissed Nick.
He didn't take it well.
I didn't expect him to.
I just, didn't want him to find out from everyone else.
Mikey went out with Nick last night.
Of course, my Mikey got me some dirt.
Nick said that he wants to take things slowly.
He wants to get to know me.
He said that for some reason things are different and he wants to get to know me so he doesnt ruin anything.
Which is weird, because he always runs into relationships, and it doesn't end well.
Oh well, I don't think I will get my hopes up.
I will try not to, atleast.
So I came home from work last night and my brother yelled down the stairs to me,
"oh Rachel, pap fell tonight. he's in the hospital. goodnight!"
So that's where my parents were all night.
My pap broke his hip.
So either after the surgery his mind will be completely gone and he will live in a nursing home or else he will just die on the table.
My family is upset and cancelled all christmas festivities.
Mery Christmas, everyone.
- (no subject)
-
- plastic_flower
- December 17th, 2006
I just got home.
Kelsey and I went to Erie and it was fun.
Kelsey and I talked probably the entire way up there.
If you don't know my friend Kelsey, you probably should.
She is sweet as hell.
She quotes Borat with me a lot.
Except she actually gets the lines right.
It was nice seeing Bethany.
I miss her.
I am glad she's coming home.
We also saw Mark.
He's cute.
He makes me laugh too.
ohhh, Mark.
The entire way home Kelsey and I dissused boys, college and everything in between.
It didn't solve anything in my mind, but it was nice to get things out.
It was nice to feel not so alone.
It was nice to know that there are people that care.
I love my friends.
Thank you shLelsey for a wonderful Erie trip.
- (no subject)
-
- plastic_flower
- December 14th, 2006
I haven't written in a long time.
It's one of those things where I have so much racing in my head that I am scared to write for two reasons.
1. There is so much I don't know where to start.
2. I think I am scared to face it.
Andy and I fight and fight to no end.
Things haven't changed and they won't. I know they won't. He knows they won't.
But it doesn't make things easier.
We see each other and we don't know what to do.
It's been so long. It would be nice to just pretend that we are perfect.
It doesn't work.
I am going to try to get over him. I will.
Nate told me that he has never heard a guy say anything bad about me. He told me that I am nice and plenty of guys would kill for me.
I love Nate, I really do. He lacks tact, that's all.
I just wish so many others could see him the way I do. To know to just laugh at him.
I haven't talked to Matt in a couple days.
Since I haven't talked to Matt I guess Pookie can't talk to me either.
I haven't heard from Chera in a while either.
I hate feeling dispensable to people. I told Nate that too.
I have not told anyone that ever.
That is my biggest fear in life.
You can fall in love. That is one thing, but to not mean everything is another.
Alexandra and I went to get chinese yesterday and my fortune was the most ironic thing, ever.
"Do what you can with what you have, where you are."
Maybe that means to let go of Matt.
Maybe it was foolish to hold on.
But maybe, just maybe I should just live my life right here right now and stop wondering about then.
I have so many wonderful people in my life and I still convince myself that I am alone.
Yesterday I bought Bethany a desk for Christmas.
I think about it and I still laugh.
I still don't know who I am or who I want to be.
But I think I will be okay.
I could always live at home with my parents and sister.
- (no subject)
-
- plastic_flower
- November 6th, 2006
Last night I was sitting in the Atlanta airport waiting for my delayed flight. I had a slight accent and it made me smile.
I was thinking to myself how much I love Georgia and being there. When anyone asks me, 'if you could be anywhere right now, where you would you be?' My answer is always there. And knowing this made me hate the fact that I had to leave. While waiting I debated running back to Chera's house or not. I realize this wasn't realistic, but it hurts so badly to leave.
The thought of how much Chera means to me, and how she reads me.
And Matt how he makes me smile and how i fell in so deep.
But here, with my friends.
It's just hard because I don't want to hurt anyone.
But no matter what I always feel as if I am missing something.
- (no subject)
-
- plastic_flower
- October 30th, 2006
Bonjour.
It is so beautiful lately.
I want to stay this way forever, but I know it can't.
I want to remember every moment forever, but I know I won't.
Things have been so surreal lately.
The way I feel that Alex, Kelsey, Sara and I are finally getting close.
It seems sad in a way, because it's our senior year.
But, at the same time, better late than never.
I have never been so worried about them.
They all have such hard times lately.
I don't know what I can say or do for them.
I just expect them to know how much I care or love them, but I think I should tell them sometimes.
But I don't know how and I know I am extra moody sometimes so it seems as if I don't at all.
I don't get me sometimes.
But, that doesn't change the way I feel about them.
Also, my Chera jo.
I get to see her on Thursday and I am so excited.
I am so very nervous though.
We usually only get to see each other in the summer, for the exception of last September when she came up for her cousin's wedding.
But I am terrified that it will make things harder.
I love her so much and she means the world to me, but to get so close and be ripped apart by distance scares me. I have been so worried about that, that I have been disregarding the fact that she does mean the world to me and since we rarely get to talk, I get to find out about her life.
Next, Andy.
We are broken up. Maybe for good?
Lately he has been telling me that he wants to marry me.
He called me on Saturday night and poured this story on me, and I was taken back by it.
He told me that he loved me and being at Penn State made him realize how important college is.
He said he would work harder and make something of himself. Not only for him, but for me too, because I deserve better. When he told me this I cried.
Only to find out the next day that he was drunk and didn't remember any of it.
I told him I was tired of getting my hopes up.
He asked if we would get back together soon.
I said I didn't know if we would ever get back together.
He said he doesn't want to talk to me anymore.
I need to respect that and I will try my hardest to do so.
After that, Matt.
(tee hee hee, I rhymed)
I like Matt.
He his kind and sweet.
He makes me laugh a lot.
He told me he was lonely and I don't want him to feel like that.
So, I will see him this week and am still clueless as to what I am going to do.
Finally, I have realize something.
I think about things too much.
Life, is life.
It's not going to slow down anytime soon.
So, I have to try my hardest to keep up with it and still notice the beauty that it all creates.
I think I can do it.
It may be hard sometimes.
But with the list of people I am thinking and worrying about, no matter what, I think they will make sure I am okay and don't give up.
Oh golly gee.
You guys are the best.
- (no subject)
-
- plastic_flower
- October 14th, 2006
Am I supposed to think of your feelings when you are allowed to always completely disregard mine?
Keeeeeep talking.
I know you'll act as if nothing happened.
